The noughties are over and out.

And so ends the decade of my teenage years. There was:

• The last year at Church Langton where I ruled the school
  
• Middle school and being bullied
• High school and Benjamin Buchanan
• 6th Form, depression, crazy friends and the Panic nightclub.
• University, a new boy and all the same problems

How can I sum up the last 10 years? These words can try: school uniforms, Emma Gibbon, Badges, 9/11, local gigs, Sarah Wilkinson, Sophie Witcombe, Jake Clayton, boys, Max, rats, cats, Molly, Benjamin Buchanan, Puppy and Kitten, sweatbands, pink hair, Switch NX, tsunami, Myspace, The Pill, GCSE's, weed, Theo Stuart, Nike Air Force 1's, Jack Daniels, football world cup, fluoxetine, A Levels, smoking, drinking, skiving, blue coontail, narcotics, tattoo, The Co-op, primark, Philip the Fiat Punto, facebook, wedding, tattoo, Sam Clayton, University of Hull, fresher, The Lawns, Morgan A, Geography, the boy across the hall called David Yexley, room 22, septum piercing, Jack Wills, lacrosse, amaretto, Genevieve Lavin, mattress on the floor, balcony sex, snowball fights at 2am, lack of revision, tattoo, wedding party, Liam's car crash, hospital, market research job and so much more.


What a way to end the year, sat on my own in my parent's lounge, pissed off and upset. Lets be honest, I knew New Years Eve would be a massive letdown. It always is. I always hate it.

So what are my New Years Resolutions? None. It's pointless making any when I won't keep them and I will just let myself down.

Will my posts next year be any happy? Doubtful. Will I know what I want to do in life? Unlikely. Will I be any happier? One can always hope.

However, I will make the same resolutions I make every year...stop letting people treat me like shit, sort out my money issues, be happy with my appearance, do different things, see different places, meet new people and simply be happy.

But don't worry, I know I won't keep them.

silly statements

The bold ones are true.

1. I think my friends are beautiful and they make me feel ugly sometimes.
2. I wish I was an only child.
3. I want the world to be as it was when the Native Americans lived.
4. I wish I could tell people how I really feel, instead of running scared.
5. My best friend is fake, and sometimes I don’t know why I’m friends with her
6. The boy I’m currently infatuated with has me more confused than any other individual I’ve ever met.
7. I’ve only been kissed by two boys, and I’m sure both of them regretted it later.
8. I’ve thought about getting surgery to get rid of my gut.
9. I wish I was Alice from Alice In Wonderland so that I have somewhere to hide.
10. I’m lonely.
11. I have(close to) no friends.
12. I wish I didn’t post some stuff on the internet.
13. I always find ways to make myself the center of attention.
14. I hate most of my family for being so closed minded.
15. I hate the town I grew up in for being such a bad influence.
16. I’m scared of being alone.
17. I hate my dad.
18. I wish I could stand up to my dad.
19. I wish I could be who I really am wherever I am.
20. I wish I could tell someone something.
21. I want to have a baby.
22. I want to know what love feels like.
23. I know I spend way too much time on my own,but I don’t feel I have enough social skills to do anything else.
24. I have cut my wrist and hidden it under a wrist brace.
25.I have had three consecutive dreams about one boy.
26.I hate my dad for leaving my mom.
27. University scares and confuses me.
28. I am afraid to get romantically close to people even though it’s one of the biggest dreams I have ever had.
29. I truly have NO idea what I really want to do with my life.
30. I never want to disappoint anybody.
31. I think all the little things that I don’t say anything about are building up again.
32. I want to get out of this town.
33. I’ve spent so much time pretending that I don’t know who I am anymore.
34. My boyfriend thinks I’m suicidal. He’s right.
35. My friends think they know me. They don’t.
36. I stand on my head for nearly 20 minutes every day. It’s very relaxing.
37. I’m a compulsive exerciser.
38. I don’t approve of my best friend’s marriage and I’m her maid of honor.
39. I miss boy bands.
40. I don’t think I’ll live past 30.
41. I wake up every morning and have anxiety that I have to overcome to get up.
42. I miss my ex, I love my ex, I hate my ex.
43. I’d rather talk to your sister than mine.
44. I love you.
45. I have always questioned whether or not I have been in love.
46. I hate where I let myself get to.
47. I don’t feel like I have done anything with my life.
48. I want to truly believe that I am loved. No ifs, ands, or buts.
49. I hate that he is so far away and that I’ve already cheated on him twice.
50. I’ve got abandonment issues.
51. I work all the time to keep my mind occupied, it doesn’t work.
52. I wish my ex-boyfriend would love me again.
53. I want to lose 20 pounds, but lack the motivation.
54. Reading all these secrets breaks my heart.
55. I sadden when I watch the news as well and see all there hatred that has filled the world, but I know the cause for which it is there.
56. I’ve always wanted to tell my secrets but have never had the chance.
57. I hate having people come to me for advice. I really have no idea what to say to you.
58. I’ve come a LONG way this year.
59. I want to sleep with a guy just to take his virginity.
60. I am so glad you and I are not together anymore
61. I have lost all hope in humanity and I blame you for the fact that I can’t trust anyone.
62. I feel I am being constantly judged.
63. I worry too much about my weight.
64. My ex’s mother and I still talk on a day to day basis without him knowing. She hopes he will realize what he lost, soon.
65. Every song on the radio reminds me of you.
66. I don’t have a friend, anymore, than I can tell anything to.
67. I am an excellent stalker.
68. I act like I don’t care but I really do
69. University is the scariest and most fun I have ever had.
70. I am bisexual.
71. When my parents were arguing when I was little, I used to hide in my room.
72. I’m confident that if I lost a lot of weight that I would(feel better) have a better life.
73. When I watch Law & Order SVU, I deeply fear that something similiar will happen to me or someone in my family.
74. I can’t pee without the water in the faucet running.
75. I would give my life for so many people, but I know half of them would not return the favor.
76. I eat something that’s bad for me and then I feel so guilty about eating it that I won’t eat for days.
77. Seeing people cry makes me automatically want to comfort them.
78. I memorize random license plate numbers in case they’re ever needed in an investigation.
79. I’m content with nothing more than one meal a day, love from those around me and the air in my lungs…everything else is just a plus.
80. I want to choose who my organs go to when I die. I hope that they are helping deserving individuals.
81. I travel partly because I want to be able to boast about the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen and experienced.
82. I dislike married men who don’t wear wedding rings.
83. I don’t know what religion to believe in.
84. I fish for complements to make myself feel better.
85. Every time a person comes to my work counter still trying to decide what they want, I want to yell at them for wasting the time of the other customers in line. You may not know it, but they get pissed because of you and take it out on me!
86. I feel ashamed of bringing certain friends around other friends.
87. I always feel like I’m not pretty enough, even with everyone telling me otherwise.
88. I’m afraid she’s going to get him before I do. It’s selfish and I hate myself for thinking that.
89. I made out with my best friend’s brother years ago. To this day, no one knows.
90. I know it’s lame but I still love The Sims 2.
91. I didn’t want to wake up this morning, because my dreams were better than reality.
92. When I say I want to be left alone, I don’t always mean it, I just don’t know how to tell someone I need them.
93. I have been in quite a few relationships,none of the guys were faithful to me, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
94. He was my first love. I still don’t know if I was his. I hope I made a lasting impact on him as he did to me.
95. I am jealous of girls that have naturally good hair.
96. I’m jealous of anyone who has a talent.
97. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I don’t want to. Get over it.
98. Going to parties make me more nervous than anything else.
99. I read post secret every Sunday hoping for familiar handwriting.
100. A day usually doesn’t go by without me thinking about him and wondering “What if?”

I'll post a proper entry soon.

Money money money!

Aren't these supposed to be the best years of my life? I'm 19 years old and all I can think about is how little money I have, how fat I've got, how I can't do those essays, how I want this and that and that somewhere along the way I forgot that shouldn't I be enjoying my youth?

Thus, I have come to a decision. Possibly a very silly, a very immature and naiive decision but none the less I think it is what I will do. I am going to see if I can extend my other overdraft. That way I have a little more money to play with and then next summer I intend to work off both overdrafts even if it kills me.

I am also considering bugging some pubs near my house to employ me for a week or two whilst I'm back at home, in pure and simple desperation. Next semester shouldn't be so bad as I won't have my car to run...but the next 8 weeks are going to be very tough. Especially as I have to get my car MOT'ed and I doubt it will pass.

What would be amazing though, is if my father decided to be a decent person and throw some money my way. I think he is deluded. I haven't spoken to him since September when he told me I was obsessed with money, I replied "of course I fucking am because I have none and I need some!" But I won't start on bitching about him. I need to give up on him and cut him out of my life which would be much easier if my boyfriend didn't repeatedly ask me if I have spoken to him again. Sorry Dave but not everyone has a Daddy who can dish out £500 at a time every few weeks. It's funny really, Dave thought his Dad was a bit of a cock, then he met me and heard stories about mine...oh and then he met mine. Ha. Daddy Clayton wins hands down.

I'm in a fragile state at present...I can feel the tears pricking, I'm typing angrily and yet smiling. I need a break. A goddamn break from everyone bugging me for attention and from my own thoughts.

Oh god, once again I'm moaning. I'm so sick of myself.

This is Elcie, signing off.

just a little venting,..

This one has to be brief...I will attempt to write a longer one later...
First, I apologise for the sheer 'emoness' of my last post. I read it and laugh at my pathetic self. But it is how I felt at the time and I may or may not delete it.

Secondly, I would like more people to read this but I cannot promote it on Facefuck due to those people who are the subjects of my blog, may possibly read it, become offended and/or fall out with me. Simply, that is just effort.

Thirdly, I can't feel my feet, I can see my breath, I am wearing 4 layers and a scarf but have I bought a fucking mini heater? No. Why? Because unlike those jackasses I live with I'm not selfish. In fact, I specifically purchased an electric blanket that has an all-night setting in order to not use as much electricity and simply suffer the cold of my room but at least have a warm bed. At the end of the year, I am expecting money back from what I have put into the bills bank account, if I do not receive any back I will simply break or steal what I deem a exact value of what I'm owed from their things. Be it Xboxes, laptops, plates, glasses, food, alcohol. They say things like "I pay £15 a week to have the heating on" which would be fine except I also pay £15 a week and expect money back but your selfishness is eating into what few pounds I will get back, fucking DICK!

I have to go to university now. The post later will undoubtedly continue my anger at the pricks I live with and probably also talk about the dictatorship within this house, the Nazi regime within the Womens Lacross Club and the social norms that are forced upon you at university.

Grrrrr.

fluoxetine filled tears...

I haven't cried like this in a while... the full racking sobs, the running nose, the closed throat, the itchy scars and that burning desire.

I don't think I have written on here about my weakness. Oh well, sorry to anyone who reads this and didn't want so much information. Or to anyone who thinks it's funny or nice or clever to tell my mother what I write.
My weakness is cutting myself. Making my skin bleed. Feeling it burn as each nerve gets sliced through. Watching the bright red blood trickle down my wrist. God it feels so good. Before you exclaim in surprise, no I'm not doing it right now. I haven't done it in about 3 months. Not since my boyfriend told me I didn't give a shit about my brother and used his accident as an excuse for me being even more of a fuck up than usual.

Haha.

But today... well it started off as a bad mood, just being irritable. Mainly because I don't seem to have a proper boyfriend or a relationship anymore. Which is ironic because of what this has now become. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I went to lacrosse training, I saw that girl who isn't speaking to me for some reason or when she does she's just rude, this only angered me more. Whilst at training I was informed that someone who I forgave for something a long time ago had broken my trust in them as a friend. But I tried not to think about it. I then allowed little things to just keep bugging me. Until I was sat at my computer, irritated by many people and things when that person who I had forgiven many years ago came online. I felt I need to let him know just how I felt.

What started off as me shouting at him, became me realising how pathetic I am. How lonely I am. How much of a fuck up I am. How I can't ever seem to make friends. How I still hurt from those girls and guys in high school taking the piss out of me. How I tried to do everything right but still messed up somewhere along the line.

I went to a university miles away from home. I joined different groups and met new people. I changed my look and even my personality. I edited my music taste to fit in better. I spoke to everyone. I tried to get along.
Look where it got me?!
Fucking nowhere!
I still don't have that close knit group of friends. Be it one, two or even ten. I don't know what more I can do?!

So I'm sat here, still crying, still hurting, still desiring that blade against my skin. What solution do I see...I think it's time to go back on anti-depressants. At least they'll numb my feelings of rejection, loneliness and failure.

Sometimes i hate my computer

It's been exactly a month since I last wrote on here. I suppose I should make it less about writing and more of a diary/journal. But I simply don't have the time to keep it upto date.

I hate my computer because it is rubbish. It just froze up and I lost all of what I had already written on here, which was quite a lot. So here it is again; well what I can remember of it.

I'm ill. Just a bad cold but it's totally knocked me for six. My life seems such shambles at the moment and my head is just the same.
So this morning I rang in sick to work and slept in late until about 12:30. It felt good but oh so bad to be so lazy. Then I got up, tidied up a bit, did some washing up, put the washing on and sorted out some stuff. I hate living here if I'm honest. Some of the people I live with are simply disgusting. They leave the communal areas in filth and have no respect for other peoples belongings. For example: someone once went into my room to turn off my lamp and whilst they were at it my laptop too. That I believe is trespassing. This is a rented house with lockable rooms therefore my room is my property. It's not that I dislike the people I live with... well, if things continue as they as then soon I will probably hate them. I think it's just that we don't 'mesh' well living together. I can't wait until I can move out of here.

In other news, this tuesday is my first radio show on JamRadio, the university's radio station. I'm petrified. I have nothing to talk about, no-one to call in and no-one really knows it's on. The only thing I have sorted it music. Lots of pretty music. I downloaded some more today too. I need a bigger ipod. I have too much music for my little blue nano pod. I'm also excited for my show. I want it to work. I want it to go well. But most of all I want it to inspire me to write more and find my passion again.

I'm going to go and pretend to read one chapter of a book I need to read for uni, then get bored and read a novel probably. Plus my wrists are doing some weird pin prick thing where they are resting on my laptop...it hurts.
Night all x

brother home

On Wednesday 23rd September, my brother Liam returned home from being in Leicester Royal Infirmary after 7 weeks and 1 day. I can't describe how happy I am about this. I know that this will be a huge boost for Liam by being home and around our family and pets.

It would seem I am still not ready to contemplate my true feelings about what happened and time afterwards. I want to but I just don't have the strength to at the moment. I need to because I'm worried I haven't dealt with it.

At this moment in time I'm watching Wounded. Luckily Liam's injuries were no where near as bad as some of the guys' on the program but a lot of them go straight into Intensive Care and that is why I am forcing myself to watch it. I liked the Intensive Care Unit for how good they were with Liam but I hated it as well. The smell, the noises, the atmosphere of worry. Watching Wounded and seeing mothers, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, family around a bedside upsets me because it reminds me of when it was me, holding my brothers hand, stroking his arm and telling him how much I loved him and how he couldn't leave me because I need him to look after me.

Just writing the latter part of that sentence has made me start crying. I really am not ready to talk about my feelings. I don't know when I will be but I know when I am it will be hard but important for me to do it.

'Brother and Sister, together we'll make it through...''

promises to myself

I make myself several promises every few months and never actually fufill any of them. The current main ones are: start jogging a few miles everyday, take up some hobbies, stop pretending I have writers block and actually start writing again, join the debating society, go to lacrosse training more, have an active part in either Hullfire or JamRadio and sort out work experience for next summer. I am no closer to completing any of them. The worst thing is I really do want to do most of these things, I just have no motivation.

Will I always be such a failure to myself?

My brother

So over the last 4 weeks I have had an urge to write on here. But have avoided it due to what happened.

What happened was that my brother Liam Clayton was in a car accident. A serious one.
It was Tuesday 4th August. I got a phonecall of Mum at about 2.30am. I think the bottom of my world fell away in the moment.

After the initial shock, tears and worry. I began to feel stronger. I started to cope. Liam was still in a bad way but I started to think positive. He had to have this amazing treatment called ECMO. I say amazing because it worked for him but it was a gamble. Glenfield hospital is the only hospital in the UK that offers ECMO to adults. There are only 5 machines and they cost over £5,000 a day to work; that doesn't include the Doctors salaries, the medicine or anything else needed. I can't quite get over just how lucky Liam was to be have this treatment available to him.

I guess anyone reading this will find it... lacking of emotion. That's because I don't think I'm ready to fully think or consider my feelings about the accident and what happened etc. Especially not the fact I could've lost him.

All I will say for now, is that I am unbelievably happy that he's on the mend.

And perhaps this goes without saying... I love him so so much.

i'm just broken.

all i ever seem to do is moan...

All i ever seem to do is moan. Moan about everything.

But I have decided. I need a hobby; something to occupy my thoughts and time so I cannot moan so much.
I just don't know what it should be. I want to go running/jogging but the roads around here are too dangerous. I want to learn to sing but I have no money to pay a teacher. I want to teach myself guitar but I'll get frustrated too quickly. I want to write more but I seem to have forgotten how.

Do I want a hobby to distract myself from these thoughts about my relationship? Am I worrying, thinking, overreacting too much? Possibly.

I seem to have lost who I am...and what's left is boring.

Somebody find my soul?

is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

so is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

or will it just be a reflection? a figment of my imagination? or simply a dream?


After refusing to listen to my mum the first time, today i listened then researched.
i discovered there is a high chance all of my issues and problems can be attributed to the contraceptive pill I'm on - Microgynon 30.

almost every sympton/side effect people have mentioned matches me. and just like me some of them have been suffering for years before they realised.

so detox time...will it work? is it possible i might just be ok?

university

first year almost over.
so much revision to be done.

a summary:
lack of plugs, lack of lighting, a balcony, a huge desk, a tiny bed, a tiny wardrobe, the boy across the hall, government money, clothes, shoes, make-up, short hair, new piercings, eating at 1am is the norm, not getting dressed, turning up drunk to lectures, lack of food, too much food, alcohol, snakebite, lacrosse, changes, love, organisation, blackboard, geography, uv paint and so much more.