petrify me.

Helplessness. You know, that feeling when you are falling and you reach out to grab a helping hand but miss by millimetres.

I have had such a good past week in my areas of my life. New laptop on its way. Progress with one or two essays. Major steps forward with this BBC tv program. It was all going so well. I knew it couldn't or wouldn't last, not because I'm a massive pesimist but because that's life.

Right now, I am tired after such a huge high of a day. I should be dancing on the roof after today. It was amazing. Filming with the team, interviewing such a lovely band, getting told I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. On top of all that, I also got an essay back which I was certain of failure and got a 75!

So, I hear you ask, why aren't you happy Elcie?

Well, it's because I have a lot more work to get in and very little time. I don't have enough money to buy the things I need, nor the things I want.

The worst part though? it's because I don't feel like we are ok.

There is something missing. Something I can't quite put my finger on. Something has changed. I don't know if it's me or if it's you but something is different. We are different. We don't seem to fit together anymore. We don't seem to travel along the same path. We don't seem to love as hard.

I am petrified of losing you. As my own, as a friend, as someone who just exists in my life. I am petrified we have drifted too far and have no way back. I am petrified we will drift further over the coming months and never even look back.

But most of all, I am petrified that sometimes I think it is inevitable.