fluoxetine filled tears...

I haven't cried like this in a while... the full racking sobs, the running nose, the closed throat, the itchy scars and that burning desire.

I don't think I have written on here about my weakness. Oh well, sorry to anyone who reads this and didn't want so much information. Or to anyone who thinks it's funny or nice or clever to tell my mother what I write.
My weakness is cutting myself. Making my skin bleed. Feeling it burn as each nerve gets sliced through. Watching the bright red blood trickle down my wrist. God it feels so good. Before you exclaim in surprise, no I'm not doing it right now. I haven't done it in about 3 months. Not since my boyfriend told me I didn't give a shit about my brother and used his accident as an excuse for me being even more of a fuck up than usual.

Haha.

But today... well it started off as a bad mood, just being irritable. Mainly because I don't seem to have a proper boyfriend or a relationship anymore. Which is ironic because of what this has now become. But I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I went to lacrosse training, I saw that girl who isn't speaking to me for some reason or when she does she's just rude, this only angered me more. Whilst at training I was informed that someone who I forgave for something a long time ago had broken my trust in them as a friend. But I tried not to think about it. I then allowed little things to just keep bugging me. Until I was sat at my computer, irritated by many people and things when that person who I had forgiven many years ago came online. I felt I need to let him know just how I felt.

What started off as me shouting at him, became me realising how pathetic I am. How lonely I am. How much of a fuck up I am. How I can't ever seem to make friends. How I still hurt from those girls and guys in high school taking the piss out of me. How I tried to do everything right but still messed up somewhere along the line.

I went to a university miles away from home. I joined different groups and met new people. I changed my look and even my personality. I edited my music taste to fit in better. I spoke to everyone. I tried to get along.
Look where it got me?!
Fucking nowhere!
I still don't have that close knit group of friends. Be it one, two or even ten. I don't know what more I can do?!

So I'm sat here, still crying, still hurting, still desiring that blade against my skin. What solution do I see...I think it's time to go back on anti-depressants. At least they'll numb my feelings of rejection, loneliness and failure.